I recently had a conversation with a friend where he was telling me how fabulous I was and I was telling him that I find it very hard to hear - that I didn’t really rely on his opinion.
His response? “Is it because I’m gay?”
Actually - and this is more for another post, I find it hard to take compliments at all, but it was more because he is a close friend. It wasn’t because he was gay that I would discredit his opinion. And of course it is times like this I am reminded of just how far we have to go when it comes to equality in the LGBTQIA+ community.
I live in a city where, for the best part of July and August queer parties are on each and every weekend as part of PRIDE - where floats/boats of queer police, bank managers, book keepers and well, all manner of Dutch people celebrate being alive, being seen and heard and feeling represented in their workplace, community or family. It isn’t always that way for everyone, and deep down, I notice my friends, my very good looking, well travelled, professionally mobile friends - still lack the confidence that the ‘pale, stale and male’ heteronorm blokes in a boardroom carry - while they run rings around them in terms of success.
But why?
It’s easy to think that because pink balloons float about in June and because same sex marriages exist and all the other things that have slowly made parts of the world more progressive, well, the job of gay rights is done. The whole eye roll that comes with the LGBTQIA+ term is indicative of just how much we still don’t take ‘them’/’the other’ as a group, seriously. Prejudice now comes from inside the house as well. I quite often hear ‘can’t we just all go back to being gay and liking pop music’ as an argument for how complicated it has become.
You get old, you get lazy and you stop wanting to fight for the cause.
There's layers to prejudice now, and we all suffer from it in one way or another, but there’s no denying that while minority groups may feel represented as a whole, how much people feel as an individual depends on who they are surrounded by on the daily.
It’s why they create their own spaces. I went to an LGBTQIA+ Tennis Tournament the other day and followed that up with a party in a queer bar where voguing and duck walks were happening. I’ve been a huge Madonna fan since forever and my first ever friend (aged 6) was gay - so these events are kinda normal to me. Just don’t call me a Fag Hag - I too, like the people I hang out with - am not a cliche.
My first encounter with a gay man was in the 80’s. He was wearing only one earring and having grown up with an Indian mother, I was worried he was going to get in trouble for losing his diamond stud.
My Dad told me he was a ‘Poof’. Then he went on to explain what that meant. I was 4. Dad was 72. I was trying to wrap my head around the idea that men could have boyfriends when he concluded the conversation with “you know what happens in someone’s bedroom is none of Dad’s business as long as he is a good bloke”. Problematic as that summary may have been, it worked for me. I soon realised Dad had a few mates of the Poof persuasion and that in fact, they all seemed like good blokes. My Dad didn’t suffer fools. There was also the ‘cross-dressing bloke’ that would come visit sometimes to talk about the cricket club. A story for another day.
I am most certainly the A in ally in LGBTQIA+. I get pulled up pretty often about things I say that are not okay. I am learning all the time how flippant exchanges and gross assumptions can make someone of a certain sexual orientation feel. I no longer describe someone by their sexual orientation (it doesn’t define them of course) nor would I speculate about someone’s orientation who would prefer their private life remain so (this is really no one’s business). I have spent my entire life feeling safe around people who have cared for me, looked after me when I was down and treated me like family - and they have all been part of this community. So I owe it to them to know better!
This Pride, I am putting down my drinks (I’ve gone sober) and instead will be reading up about how I can be a better ally. It’s the least I can do and while the world is at war, it’s all I have the energy to do where I feel like I can bring some positive impact.
If you have any recommendations - let me know.